How to Maintain Eye Contact, Like a Boss!

Maintaining eye contact can be one of the most important things in interpersonal communication. And if you are like me, you would probably realize that an inability to maintain effective eye contact with a person can be a really debilitating experience.

For that, here are some eye contact “training wheels” that would allow you to project the illusion that you are maintaining eye contact, up till the point where you are ready to begin actually looking someone in the eye. It is vital that you use this as a half-way point to get to the ultimate goal of maintaining eye contact, because being able to keep track of others’ eyes when you are talking to them gives you a lot of information allowing you to empathize better.

So here’s what to do. If maintaining a long amount of eye contact makes you nervous, look right above the person you are conversing with in the middle lower part of the other’s temple. As simple as that.

The middle of George's forehead is where you want to look.

One thing you must remember, eye contact is a very tricky subject, and when faked can really come off as weird, since you may maintain too much or too little of it. That’s why it’s really important to actually shift to naturalize how you look someone eye-to-eye. I shall release a synopsis on why and how humans maintain eye contact in social setups, so stay tuned!

Please comment and share if this was useful to you.

Body Language Does Not Lie

People often wonder how representative Non-Verbals are when it comes to understanding people. Some are people are concerned with the consistency and universality of some of the concepts of NVC. Also, some people also want to know the degree of conscious control that can be exerted on your own non-verbals, which would lead those who can interpret it to be thrown off.

I want to share an experience from one of the workshops I conducted a few weeks back that is an amazing example of the power of nonverbal communication, and its usefulness in conveying the truth in any social situation.

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We were talking about status and dominance, and a participant wanted to know how he may tackle a few bullies who dominate him in certain social situations; he wanted to know how he could come off as equal status by using his non-verbals, because he was annoyed with constantly being in a subversive position with regard to certain individuals. So we decided to do a little role play, where he was to be domineering. It just so happened that taking up those large and self-assured body positions were hard for him, so much so that we had to get back to the exercise at the end of the program! When we did try it again, there was a large change, and he did manage maintaining strong eye contact with me, a huge sign of him not backing down.

What followed from that was what was what assured me that no matter what, your nonverbals can give away a lot of information that the other person may try to hide, by default in an attempt to portray something else. We spoke of this concept called mirroring (where an individual who is in agreement or looks up to you will mimic your body posture without consciously realizing it). So anyway, our participant was doing a great job taking the dominant position from me in our role play, when I decided to shoot my hands behind myself. And almost like hypnosis, so did our participant. Going to show that although he did come off as challenging my dominance, he jumped at the opportunity to follow my lead. This was a natural reaction, since I had spent the past two days with them and we had set up a good rapport.

There is another take away from this experience. If your feelings are not congruent with your nonverbals, i.e., you are trying to give radiate a certain state of mind (confidence, dominance, sadness, happiness) and you are not feeling it internally, your true feelings are soon going to betray your attempts to fake a disposition.

Floor Them with Your Awesome Presentation: Add Body Language to Powepoint

Working professionals want to know how body language can be used effectively in presentations. Here are two easy ways to boost the delivery of your presentation and to know if you’re message is being optimally received.

1.      Be mindful of how your listeners are seated. As a rule, we move towards sounds and visuals we like, and move away or try to downplay things that we don’t. This shows in Body Language as well. Keep this in mind, while presenting, if your audience’s body is angled towards you, leaning in, and eye contact is maintained it is generally a good sign. Similarly, when someone is tuned into what you are saying, general shifty movements are to a minimum, but rise when they are not interested or in disagreement. Over time, you can learn how to fine tune your response according to the interest of your listeners, and change topic as per your convenience.

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  2.      Hold open postures. Avoid folded arms, slouching and low energy movements. Holding open postures also gives the voice larger range. My dance teacher taught me a very important lesson about performance, which holds true to any form of public speaking as well: give energy to get energy.

Hope this was useful. If you have given presentations in the past I am sure you would realize that there is a lot more to giving presentations which we usually go through in our courses, but this is a great place to start. I’ve condensed lot of data here, so I am sure it would be a good revision.

Keep shining!

Ace the Interview and Feel Confident: Anywhere, Any Time

A lot of my friends wish to know how they can put NVC to use in their life. Amongst other requests, most of them want to know how they can project a confident ‘persona’, especially in interview scenarios. So, I asked a few hiring professionals from head hunting institutions what they were looking for in a candidate in terms of the qualities prospectives project outwards. All companies, when looking to hire, are especially keeping an eye out for those who can convey their potential effectively and are assertive. Nobody wants to hire someone who is not sure of themselves, and they want to know that their future employee can back himself or herself.

I am sure by now you are already acquainted about those body positions that make you appear confident. Upright, energetic posture; loud, decisive diction; strong and assertive eye contact. These are all the things you need to look confident.

Don't Slouch Before Interviews!

Feeling confident, on the other hand, is more difficult. If you are not confident and still attempt to hold these positions, your body language will slip up. You will begin stammering, fidgeting and your hands will move awkwardly. I know because I have been there. What I also noted down was that even though I did everything I read about in a setup where I had to be assertive and prove myself, it didn’t seem to come off well as a whole. Then, I made one small change to my approach, and I am now seldom made nervous by 

any testing time.

What I was doing before the interview did not put me in a confident frame of mind. In order to appear confident I needed to be confident. However, whilst waiting for my turn I would usually slouch and take up a not so confident posture, like many who you may observe waiting in office reception rooms for their interviews. Research shows that the type of body posture you hold actually changes your neuro- and bio-chemistry; holding more confident postures, lowers your cortisol (released when your body is stressed) levels and increases testosterone, so you actually begin to feel it. This works the other way round too; holding slouches or smaller posture actually increases cortisol.

So here is one way to walk into the interview or ‘high-stress’ scenario brimming with confidence: be confident from the get go. Whilst waiting to come in, or on your way there, no one is watching you, you can do whatever you do to psych yourself into a confident mood, and go from there. You could also “Power Pose”, which automatically boosts testosterone level and reduces cortisol to make you feel insanely confident. Follow this Blog, for my next post will be on Power Posing J.

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Here's Why Everyone Should Know (and Practice) Body Language!

People are generally very excited about the fact that Body Language is something cool and new. But sometimes I fear that there are individuals who may think that the knowledge of BL is something which is alien from them, or that BL has no benefit in their lives. So this post is about telling those who are just discovering the fun of Non-Verbal Communication and also those who are walking around it looking at it curiously from afar but for some reason are not coming closer, that non-verbal communication is an extremely useful tool to have! I am so sure about this because I know I don’t have to write this piece if you are already acquainted with it; if you use and understand Body Language, surely you know of all the benefits that it has!

Think about it this was way: most of your life, you must interact with others. This is how being Human works. We interact with others; we create connections. And a very important step in the process is both understanding their position and adequately representing yours’.  People want to know the relevance of knowing and practicing NVC, this is it: wherever there are humans (and if you can attain mastery, animals) that we have to interact with, knowing NVC is ALWAYS going to keep you better off in any scenario where you have others to deal with.

And I am not the only one saying it. We are naturally predisposed to learn about body language. You often get ‘vibes’ and ‘gut feelings’ about a situation or a person. Sometimes, you request people to do something for you they say “Yes”, but you feel that maybe they are not going to go through with it. For all the female readers, you seem to get gut feelings about men, and often you find men who may possess everything, but something seems off about them, you don’t know what. Babies can recognize smiles without being taught to do so, so much so that they can tell the difference between a genuine smile and one that is feigned. I have cited these examples simply to demonstrate that the understanding of non-verbal cues are within us, and over and above this, it is a vital tool for survival. And this function of survival is evident in all three examples if we think about where we have come from; in the wild each of these proved to be pivotal tools that determined whether our hunter-gatherer ancestors lived or died.  We need to be aware and respond accordingly to potential war-time deserters, dishonest potential mates and even those individual who will be hostile towards us when we are too small to defend ourselves (so we know whether to call our parent for help by crying).  When the food resources were scarce, and incorrect life decisions meant life or death, these small social choices went a long way. That is why understanding body language is vital. It allows us to make decisions and take calls based on all the facts.

Even today, you may find non-verbal communication very helpful. We have not changed as a species and those non-verbal representations of intentions and feelings still exist, it is for the right perspective to pick them up. When done correctly, they may find application in multiple directions.

So now, we can use our understanding of this innate function of ours to make better life decisions with regard to social choices and communicate and connect with others better.

Please share your experiences! Do you use Body Language in your life? Are you aware of or have you read any literature on the topic? What did you feel afterwards?

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Looking to Explore Body Language? Here's a list of the perfect books to start out with!

So a lot of people really want to know what they can read in order to learn the basics of Non-Verbal Communication. I am all for that and there are some amazing writers who have contributed both directly and indirectly to the understanding of Body Language. So, here I have included a list of the basics you need to begin your journey.

Before we move on, I want to remind you something that has come to me over the past few years. As someone who learns and applies new waves of thinking and various approaches to my own life, I must state the importance of putting what you know to practice. If you do not begin to apply what you know, you will not make anything out of Body Language or any other skill for that matter; you may be able to talk about it intelligently when the topic comes up, but that is about it. In order to really know and apply the information given to bring out any kind of lasting change, we need to begin to really assimilate what we learnt and make lasting changes to the way we view our world. I do that by constantly going back and forth from various texts and translate what I am experiencing based on what I have read or learnt about.

Phew! I just needed to get that out there, very relieved now. Here we go:

PeopleWatching: The Desmond Morris Guide to Body Language: 

This is the Bible of Body Language. The beauty about Morris’ Approach is that he brings in all his experience as a Zoologist and an Evolutionary Biologist. This approach is reflected in his behavior emphasized approach. The initial section of the book starts out with defining the various types of movements and goes on to speak about various types of gestures and signals. This is a great book to read, to go back to and to just have on your shelf. It is huge, expansive and it seems that this work comes not from Desmond Morris’ need for putting something out there but rather a collection of his enthusiastically noted observations throughout his career. Read it, you’ll see what I mean; there is just so much information there. Only drawback: if you like to know the sources of information through citations like I do, you will be a little disappointed. Although Morris does speak about where he gets his information from at times, this book would not be considered accurate or scientifically viable.

What Every BODY is Saying by Joe Navarro and Marvin Karlins: 

This is a great book. I love reading books written by those whose job involves scrutinizing or exploring body language. Joe Navarro is a former FBI agent and writes about body language from the prism of his varied and voluminous experiences. What’s more awesome is that he keeps himself up to date with all the theory involved as well. So essentially this books is a good mix of perspectives that come from knowing both theory and practice. A very unique section on the body language of the legs is included. The first chapter is great too. Just a great read, very informative, entertaining and fun.

You know what? To start out with, cut out all the other books that you may find. You may find some good books, and if you like them go for it. However, this is ALL you need to start out with. I ran a search of books on Body Language on Amazon.com and Peoplewatching didn’t come up for a few pages. They probably want to promote the new-age Business-Centric books. Nothing wrong with that. My issue is that most of these books come from individuals who may not take a large enough step back to approach an issue. If you don’t believe me, read either of these, and THEN read any of the myriad of books available on the topic.

Happy Reading friends!

Voice.

A while back, on my trip to Rajasthan for my sisters’ wedding, I noticed something about the people there that I hadn’t noticed in any other place I had visited, and it got me thinking. I enjoy learning about culture, and about how behavior is an extension of what cultures reinforce and don’t. The voices of the people from Rajasthan were very different from what I was used to experience every day in Mumbai-Pune and even on my multiple tours to testosterone flooded Punjab.

At first, I thought those beautiful, clear, masculine voices the men adorned was a result of their healthy diet (which leaves the lungs, the basic apparatus for voice, clear and thriving) and the dry weather, which could further effect out Voice-Instruments. However this was not it, because everyone spoke like this. Then something else began to emerge: Higher status individuals usually spoke with louder, untamed voices, whereas low status individuals were more reserved with the loudness in their voice. This happens anywhere: high status individuals are known to speak louder, just think of your boss or your teacher. However, in Rajasthan, where there are large spaces, and ownership is similar, voice is very closely linked with status. Other places may have a larger variety of differentiators, which the locals of Rajasthan may not have access to.

Although people voice plays an integral role in social structure any other place, voices were unusually loud there, with more timber. People spoke to each other in a coarser manner, and what’s more baffling is that nobody seemed to mind it. In fact it seemed that a loud, full voice served as a social barometer, determining whether or not someone fit a certain hierarchy, to say ‘you are not loud enough to give me orders’. It seemed even more unusual for me, since the urban scenario that we live in, it is usually considered rude to speak loudly. This of course has to do with the fact that there are so many of us, and a loud voice may intrude in another’s conversation.

What is very interesting is the various ways human beings show status, and we have come up with quite a few ingenious ways to one-up our fellow man. But one which I recently discovered and thought underrated was how we use voice.

I think it is time for a review, think of all the ‘large figures’ in your life, and think about how they use their voice. How do you use your voice? In which situations would you lower your spoken volume? In which situations is it okay for you to be a little louder? Do you regulate the timber in your voice when speaking in different situations?

©Shivam Nemani

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Welcome to the Everyday Body Language Blog!

I believe that anything that helps us relate better to one another is precious in Today’s isolated modern living. We all need to understand each other, and because of lowering attention spans and the  decrease in general time we a lot each other for interaction, it is very important to get the most out of every interaction, with regard to both mutual growth and personal enrichment. After all that is what communication is about: connecting!

The jury is out on how much of communication is non-verbal (side note: when we use the term non-verbal, we refer to all those aspects of communication that may be used to transmit information of all kinds, not including the words spoken). Some say that 90% of all communication is nonverbal whereas some claim that it is 60%. I am of the belief that the numeric value of the role of non-verbal communication in human interaction is indicative in nature; it just illustrates the fact that it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it!

After four years of studying various aspects of Body Language in various styles and multiple theoretical underpinnings (psychotherapy, Transactional Analysis, Evolutionary Psychology, etc), I have realized that the most useful application of Non-Verbal Communication does not occur in Deception Detection, Diplomatic Affairs or Corporate Espionage, it rather lies in using Body Language to communicate better; Body Language is best used in our everyday lives when we use it to communicate  effectively.

Although Body Language Analysis is done pretty widely, and there are multiple sources both free and paid over the internet to get that information, the matter lacks one very key ingredient: They Do Not Answer the question: How can I apply this to my life? Both this Blog and My Work try to answer this question: How do I use Body Language to relate with others better?

This Blog is a collection of those things that interest me about Non-Verbal Communication. It may be about a place that I visit, or an experience that I have had. I hope that this creation will inspire thought and help my readers create a heightened empathy, and that their outlook changes positively!

Cheers!

©Shivam Nemani

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