Body Language Does Not Lie

People often wonder how representative Non-Verbals are when it comes to understanding people. Some are people are concerned with the consistency and universality of some of the concepts of NVC. Also, some people also want to know the degree of conscious control that can be exerted on your own non-verbals, which would lead those who can interpret it to be thrown off.

I want to share an experience from one of the workshops I conducted a few weeks back that is an amazing example of the power of nonverbal communication, and its usefulness in conveying the truth in any social situation.

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We were talking about status and dominance, and a participant wanted to know how he may tackle a few bullies who dominate him in certain social situations; he wanted to know how he could come off as equal status by using his non-verbals, because he was annoyed with constantly being in a subversive position with regard to certain individuals. So we decided to do a little role play, where he was to be domineering. It just so happened that taking up those large and self-assured body positions were hard for him, so much so that we had to get back to the exercise at the end of the program! When we did try it again, there was a large change, and he did manage maintaining strong eye contact with me, a huge sign of him not backing down.

What followed from that was what was what assured me that no matter what, your nonverbals can give away a lot of information that the other person may try to hide, by default in an attempt to portray something else. We spoke of this concept called mirroring (where an individual who is in agreement or looks up to you will mimic your body posture without consciously realizing it). So anyway, our participant was doing a great job taking the dominant position from me in our role play, when I decided to shoot my hands behind myself. And almost like hypnosis, so did our participant. Going to show that although he did come off as challenging my dominance, he jumped at the opportunity to follow my lead. This was a natural reaction, since I had spent the past two days with them and we had set up a good rapport.

There is another take away from this experience. If your feelings are not congruent with your nonverbals, i.e., you are trying to give radiate a certain state of mind (confidence, dominance, sadness, happiness) and you are not feeling it internally, your true feelings are soon going to betray your attempts to fake a disposition.

Looking to Explore Body Language? Here's a list of the perfect books to start out with!

So a lot of people really want to know what they can read in order to learn the basics of Non-Verbal Communication. I am all for that and there are some amazing writers who have contributed both directly and indirectly to the understanding of Body Language. So, here I have included a list of the basics you need to begin your journey.

Before we move on, I want to remind you something that has come to me over the past few years. As someone who learns and applies new waves of thinking and various approaches to my own life, I must state the importance of putting what you know to practice. If you do not begin to apply what you know, you will not make anything out of Body Language or any other skill for that matter; you may be able to talk about it intelligently when the topic comes up, but that is about it. In order to really know and apply the information given to bring out any kind of lasting change, we need to begin to really assimilate what we learnt and make lasting changes to the way we view our world. I do that by constantly going back and forth from various texts and translate what I am experiencing based on what I have read or learnt about.

Phew! I just needed to get that out there, very relieved now. Here we go:

PeopleWatching: The Desmond Morris Guide to Body Language: 

This is the Bible of Body Language. The beauty about Morris’ Approach is that he brings in all his experience as a Zoologist and an Evolutionary Biologist. This approach is reflected in his behavior emphasized approach. The initial section of the book starts out with defining the various types of movements and goes on to speak about various types of gestures and signals. This is a great book to read, to go back to and to just have on your shelf. It is huge, expansive and it seems that this work comes not from Desmond Morris’ need for putting something out there but rather a collection of his enthusiastically noted observations throughout his career. Read it, you’ll see what I mean; there is just so much information there. Only drawback: if you like to know the sources of information through citations like I do, you will be a little disappointed. Although Morris does speak about where he gets his information from at times, this book would not be considered accurate or scientifically viable.

What Every BODY is Saying by Joe Navarro and Marvin Karlins: 

This is a great book. I love reading books written by those whose job involves scrutinizing or exploring body language. Joe Navarro is a former FBI agent and writes about body language from the prism of his varied and voluminous experiences. What’s more awesome is that he keeps himself up to date with all the theory involved as well. So essentially this books is a good mix of perspectives that come from knowing both theory and practice. A very unique section on the body language of the legs is included. The first chapter is great too. Just a great read, very informative, entertaining and fun.

You know what? To start out with, cut out all the other books that you may find. You may find some good books, and if you like them go for it. However, this is ALL you need to start out with. I ran a search of books on Body Language on Amazon.com and Peoplewatching didn’t come up for a few pages. They probably want to promote the new-age Business-Centric books. Nothing wrong with that. My issue is that most of these books come from individuals who may not take a large enough step back to approach an issue. If you don’t believe me, read either of these, and THEN read any of the myriad of books available on the topic.

Happy Reading friends!

Voice.

A while back, on my trip to Rajasthan for my sisters’ wedding, I noticed something about the people there that I hadn’t noticed in any other place I had visited, and it got me thinking. I enjoy learning about culture, and about how behavior is an extension of what cultures reinforce and don’t. The voices of the people from Rajasthan were very different from what I was used to experience every day in Mumbai-Pune and even on my multiple tours to testosterone flooded Punjab.

At first, I thought those beautiful, clear, masculine voices the men adorned was a result of their healthy diet (which leaves the lungs, the basic apparatus for voice, clear and thriving) and the dry weather, which could further effect out Voice-Instruments. However this was not it, because everyone spoke like this. Then something else began to emerge: Higher status individuals usually spoke with louder, untamed voices, whereas low status individuals were more reserved with the loudness in their voice. This happens anywhere: high status individuals are known to speak louder, just think of your boss or your teacher. However, in Rajasthan, where there are large spaces, and ownership is similar, voice is very closely linked with status. Other places may have a larger variety of differentiators, which the locals of Rajasthan may not have access to.

Although people voice plays an integral role in social structure any other place, voices were unusually loud there, with more timber. People spoke to each other in a coarser manner, and what’s more baffling is that nobody seemed to mind it. In fact it seemed that a loud, full voice served as a social barometer, determining whether or not someone fit a certain hierarchy, to say ‘you are not loud enough to give me orders’. It seemed even more unusual for me, since the urban scenario that we live in, it is usually considered rude to speak loudly. This of course has to do with the fact that there are so many of us, and a loud voice may intrude in another’s conversation.

What is very interesting is the various ways human beings show status, and we have come up with quite a few ingenious ways to one-up our fellow man. But one which I recently discovered and thought underrated was how we use voice.

I think it is time for a review, think of all the ‘large figures’ in your life, and think about how they use their voice. How do you use your voice? In which situations would you lower your spoken volume? In which situations is it okay for you to be a little louder? Do you regulate the timber in your voice when speaking in different situations?

©Shivam Nemani

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Welcome to the Everyday Body Language Blog!

I believe that anything that helps us relate better to one another is precious in Today’s isolated modern living. We all need to understand each other, and because of lowering attention spans and the  decrease in general time we a lot each other for interaction, it is very important to get the most out of every interaction, with regard to both mutual growth and personal enrichment. After all that is what communication is about: connecting!

The jury is out on how much of communication is non-verbal (side note: when we use the term non-verbal, we refer to all those aspects of communication that may be used to transmit information of all kinds, not including the words spoken). Some say that 90% of all communication is nonverbal whereas some claim that it is 60%. I am of the belief that the numeric value of the role of non-verbal communication in human interaction is indicative in nature; it just illustrates the fact that it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it!

After four years of studying various aspects of Body Language in various styles and multiple theoretical underpinnings (psychotherapy, Transactional Analysis, Evolutionary Psychology, etc), I have realized that the most useful application of Non-Verbal Communication does not occur in Deception Detection, Diplomatic Affairs or Corporate Espionage, it rather lies in using Body Language to communicate better; Body Language is best used in our everyday lives when we use it to communicate  effectively.

Although Body Language Analysis is done pretty widely, and there are multiple sources both free and paid over the internet to get that information, the matter lacks one very key ingredient: They Do Not Answer the question: How can I apply this to my life? Both this Blog and My Work try to answer this question: How do I use Body Language to relate with others better?

This Blog is a collection of those things that interest me about Non-Verbal Communication. It may be about a place that I visit, or an experience that I have had. I hope that this creation will inspire thought and help my readers create a heightened empathy, and that their outlook changes positively!

Cheers!

©Shivam Nemani

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